So let me hit you with this—business is basically like utilitarianism, right? The greatest good for the greatest number. Except, in corporate America, the ‘greatest good’ usually means ‘the most profit for the top 1%.’ But hey, who’s counting, right?

In utilitarianism, you’re supposed to make decisions based on the outcome that benefits the most people. So, in business, that’s like when the CEO says, 'We’re laying off 200 people to increase shareholder value!' The math checks out if you’re a shareholder, but if you’re one of the 200... well, guess you didn’t make the 'greatest good' cut this quarter.

But hey, let’s talk about day-to-day decisions. Imagine you’re in the office kitchen. There’s one donut left. Your coworker eyes it, you’re eyeing it, but then you remember: utilitarianism! The donut isn’t about your personal craving—it's about the greatest happiness for the most people. So, you leave it there... but only because you’ve already ordered Uber Eats, and you figure your personal happiness can be outsourced for $12.99 plus delivery.

Here’s the thing though—businesses love to talk about making 'ethical' choices, but they’re also super into cutting costs. So, you’re stuck in these meetings where the boss says, 'Let’s reduce our carbon footprint,' but then adds, 'Also, we’re shipping everything from halfway across the planet because it’s cheaper.' Utilitarianism in theory, capitalism in practice. 'Let’s save the world... as long as we can do it with two-day shipping!'

And don't get me started on corporate mission statements. They’ll say things like, 'Our goal is to make the world a better place!' That’s a great utilitarian goal, right? Then the next line is, 'Also, we sell AI-powered lawnmowers.' Sure, because nothing screams 'better world' like a robot that can mow your lawn but probably won’t recognize your dog. It’s about trade-offs! The dog's happiness versus a perfectly trimmed yard—someone has to suffer, folks.

So, the next time your company’s making decisions, just ask yourself: is this the greatest good for the greatest number? Or is it just the greatest excuse to get out of the office before 5? Either way, at least you'll leave happy.